Fauci Refuses to Say When It Would Be Safe to Reopen Trump’s Mouth

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)— In a televised interview on Friday, Dr. Anthony Fauci refused to say when it would be safe to reopen Donald J. Trump’s mouth.

Fauci was responding to a question from CNN’s Jake Tapper, who asked if the esteemed virologist had a timetable for when Trump’s mouth could be reopened without endangering public health.

“The problem, Jake, is that, when his mouth is closed, we start making progress,” Fauci said. “Keeping his mouth closed is the one thing we know that works.”

“We don’t want to make the mistake of getting overconfident, reopening his mouth, and creating even worse problems than we have now,” Fauci added.

Attempting to pin down the epidemiologist, Tapper asked, “For the sake of argument, could you see reopening his mouth in the summer? In the fall?”

“In an ideal world, my answer would be never, Jake,” Fauci said.

Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.