Banned from Costco

Thanks to MaryLou P.

I cannot shop at Costco anymore.

Yesterday, I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had–an elephant?

Since I’m retired and have little to do, I decided, on impulse, to have some fun. I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog–I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because the last time I tried it, I ended up in the hospital. But before that happened, I had lost 50 pounds!

I went on to explain that I woke up in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. Still, I insisted, it was essentially the perfect diet. The way it worked was simple: load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and eat one or two whenever you felt hungry. The food was nutritionally complete, so it worked well. And despite my past experience, I was planning to try it again.

(I should mention here that practically everyone in line was now captivated by my story.)

The woman, horrified, asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

I told her, “No, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant, and a car hit me.”

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack–he was laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.