‘This Man Has Had His Name Dragged Through The Mud—And For What?’ Says President
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—Exercising his powers of clemency for the first time since taking office, President Trump compassionately issued a full presidential pardon Monday for former Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller that cleared him of any wrongdoing. “Today, under my authority as president of the United States, I hereby grant a full and unconditional pardon to Robert Mueller, a man who has spent the past two years being slandered for misdeeds that he never even committed,” said Trump, stressing that though Mueller had his share of missteps, recently released evidence now proved that the special counsel’s heart has always been in the right place. “This poor guy has been through Hell and back. He’s had dirt thrown on his name and been unfairly attacked on social media, and for what? He’s a good, honorable man. So today I’m saying: Bob, go home to your family. You’ve earned it.” At press time, Trump was even more disturbed to realize that if one thing had turned out differently, an innocent man like Mueller could have only been a single day away from spending the rest of his life in prison.