Ed note: This challenge takes only a little effort–and is so important for our health and happiness. What ways can you think of to improve our connectedness? Perhaps allowing more singles to walk in to the dining room for lunch or dinner? Bring back line dancing? Women’s “gal talk”? More visiting to and from the Terraces? Laughter therapy? Propinquity (look it up!)? Every Friday happy hour (with no agenda other than social gathering)?
By Jancee Dunn
This is Day 6 of Well’s 7-day Happiness Challenge. To start at the beginning, click here.
Predicting how a future event will make us feel is known in psychology as affective forecasting — and most human beings are pretty lousy at it. “People are terrible at knowing what is good for them,” said Dr. Bob Waldinger, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, “and we seem particularly bad at forecasting the benefits of relationships.”
It can be tempting to just stay home rather than socialize, said Dr. Waldinger, who is an author of the new book “The Good Life.” “We’ll think, ‘I know I’m going to be happy if I stay home and watch Netflix but not if I go to that party.’”
But interacting with other people, he said, often “improves our mood and makes us happier than we expect it will. Making the choice to go out and be with people involves risk, usually a small one — but offers the possibility for encounters that are enlivening, interesting or just plain fun.”
Happiness Challenge Day 6: Put a social plan on the calendar
Your exercise for today is to make a social plan — a walk with the old friend you never seem to see, lunch with the former co-worker who always made you laugh — and put it on the calendar. If you’ve ever told someone you like that you should get coffee “sometime,” today’s the day to make it official. Do not cancel or postpone.
“Many of us might be out of shape when it comes to socializing,” said Philip Gable, an associate professor of psychological and brain sciences at the University of Delaware. Motivate yourself to go out by setting small goals instead of larger ones, he suggested. Instead of committing to be at a party for three hours, he said, give yourself a half-hour, or vow that you’ll chat with three people. And of course it doesn’t have to be a party. A face-to-face human interaction of any sort, especially one that might build toward more social dates in the future, is what we’re aiming for today.
There’s a group out there for everybody
A good way to build ties is by joining a group that meets regularly — say, a pickle-ball team at the local gym. Researchers call that regular proximity with other humans propinquity and have shown that the more propinquity we have, the greater the chances are that we’ll form friendships.
To create more propinquity for yourself, get creative. Dig in a neighborhood community garden. Volunteer with a dog-rescue group. Join a local walking club.
A 2016 study found that people who had what the researchers called “multiple group identifications” — such as church communities, hobby groups, support groups or sports teams — had greater levels of happiness. And the more groups they were in, the better. “Overall,” the researchers wrote, “our findings suggest that thinking more about one’s group life (and perhaps putting a plan into action in order to enhance it) could have significant benefits for one’s overall sense of well-being.”
Even introverts need social activities
A 2020 study conducted during the pandemic found that the resulting social isolation was not, as was commonly believed, “an introvert’s paradise.” Even for people who considered themselves introverts, the study authors write, “close human affiliation serves as a protective buffer against social disconnectedness and low mood.”
A self-described introvert, Jenn Granneman, the founder of the online community Introvert, Dear and the author of the upcoming book “Sensitive: The Hidden Power of the Highly Sensitive Person in a Loud, Fast, Too-Much World,” has said that introverts aren’t antisocial but instead selectively social. Introverts can cultivate a sense of belonging by “looking for passions rather than friends,” said Susan Cain, the author of “Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking,” a repudiation of the extrovert ideal. Pursue something that interests you, she said, and “the like-minded friends will come.”
Introverts can summon the resolve to initiate plans by telling themselves they’re “giving the gift of going first,” Ms. Granneman added. “Send the text, ask the question or plan a date. You might be surprised at how much the other person appreciates you reaching out.”
One way Ms. Granneman does this is to buy two tickets, a few months in advance, to any shows or events that catch her eye. When the event rolls around, she said, “having the extra ticket puts some pressure on me, in a good way, to reach out to my network because I want someone to go with me and I don’t want the ticket to go to waste.” Most people are excited to be offered a ticket, she said, and almost always accept.
Here’s a bonus exercise for today: If you receive an invitation this week, say yes when you normally might say no.