We are getting perilously close to the slop season of Christmas, that time of year, I mean, when you think “Silent Night” and “White Christmas” were the only songs ever written.
It is “Partridge in The Pear Tree” time as well. I must warn you that Christmas sentiment must take a back seat to this one – sent to me by an old friend. Enjoy, or at least try to:
Dearest John: Today the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a delightful gift! I couldn’t have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, – Agnes
Dearest John: Today the postman brought another sweet gift. Just imagine! Two Turtle Doves! They are adorable and you are so thoughtful. All my love, – Agnes
Dearest John: Today the postman brought another darling gift. Gee, three French Hens! I’d never seen a French hen before, but these are gorgeous birds. You’re wonderful. Love, – Agnes
Dearest John: Today the postman brought four Calling Birds. Now really. They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic. Affectionately, – Agnes
Dearest John: Today the postman delivered five Golden Rings, one for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, – Agnes
Dearest John: When I opened the door there were six Geese-a-Laying on my front steps. Back to birds again, huh? These geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop! Cordially, – Agnes
John! What’s with these these %$#!!$ birds? Seven Swans-a-Swimming? What kind of bleeping joke is this? I got bird droppings all over the house. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny, so stop with this these stinking birds. Sincerely, – Agnes
Buster, I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight Maids-a-Milking? They even brought their cows. There is stuff all over my lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off, smartbutt! – Agnes
You rotten Heel! Now there’s Nine Ladies Dancing. I don’t know why I call these sluts ladies. They’ve been cavorting all night. Yesterday the cows got upset and stomped all over the $#@!$$! birds. The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours, – Agnes
Hey, Bubblehead! What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there’s ten Lords a Leaping and they chase those Maids and help the dancing ladies cavort. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river. The Commissioner of Sanitation wants to condemn the building. I’m getting the police after you, – Agnes
Listen, Knucklehead! What’s with the eleven Pipers Piping on those Maids and Ladies? All 23 of the birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death in this holiday orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine! Your sworn enemy, – Agnes
Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Agnes McHolstein. The destruction is total.
Should you attempt to reach Agnes at the Happy Days Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to subdue you by force.
We have a warrant out for your arrest. – Badger, Bender & Cahill