Kate Bowler is an assistant professor at Duke Divinity School, the author of “Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved.” She has been “terminal” (what does that mean any more?) with stage IV cancer but her life goes on – and on. Now she has published some very valuable thoughts on how (and how not) she would like people to talk to her. We’ve all been there at loss for words with a friend with a terminal diagnosis. Kate says that what she really wants is affirmation and love (touch, gifts and kindness). Not pity, teaching, minimizing or a problem to be solved.
“DURHAM, N.C. — EVERY 90 days I lie in a whirling CT machine, dye coursing through my veins, and the doctors look to see whether the tumors in my liver are growing. If they are not, the doctors smile and schedule another scan. The rhythm has been the same since my doctors told me I had stage IV colon cancer two and a half years ago. I live for three months, take a deep breath and hope to start over again. I will probably do this for the rest of my life. Whatever that means.
“When my scan is over, I need to make clear to my friends and my family that though I pray to be declared cured, I must be grateful. I have three more months of life. Hallelujah.
“So I try to put the news in a little Facebook post, that mix of sun and cloud. I am trying to clear the linguistic hurdles that show up on my chart. Noncurative. Stage IV. I want to communicate that I am hoping for a continued “durable remission” in the face of no perfect cure, but the comments section is a blurry mess of “You kicked cancer’s butt!” and “God bless you in your preparations.”
“It feels impossible to transmit the kernel of truth. I am not dying. I am not terminal. I am keeping vigil in the place of almost death. I stand in the in-between where everyone must pass, but so few can remain.”……….
Click here to read the full article from the NYT.