“But I also think it’s much healthier to learn how interdependent we are. If we want to age well, I think it is to our benefit to learn to be caring for one another instead of feeling this fierce drive toward independence, which can be isolating — another factor that contributes to decline in aging.”
She said there can be a point of no return where someone becomes overly focused on preserving physical independence and ends up harming their mental health.
“My focus is trying to help those who are midlife and older make decisions so that they maintain their mental health and not relapse into a previous eating disorder or develop a new eating disorder. I’ve been sitting across from the pain of eating disorders for 40 years.
And I just think midlife is a very scary time for women. And I just saw a lot of people slipping, slipping, slipping, saying, ‘I can feel all those old thoughts coming back. I can feel myself being pulled to run more and cut out this and that.’ And I was like, ‘OK, I’ve got to say this. I have a lot to say.’ The book was a place for me to put all of that.”
She writes that most people will never achieve super-ager status due to factors that are beyond our control, but that doesn’t mean we can’t age well if we stop fearing it and start viewing our bodies as our life partners, not our life projects.
That’s a direct pushback against anti-aging culture, which is woven throughout beauty, fitness, diet and wellness industries, even though the very term “anti-aging” makes little sense, given that each of us is aging from the day we are born.
“In its most basic form, antiaging means anti-living,” Benfield said. “Everybody’s different in how they want to live their lives, and there are just as many ways to age as there are ways to live your life. To be so focused on appearing not to age contains and limits your life just as being overly focused on appearing thin will, in my opinion, limit and contain your life capacity. Midlife is an opportunity to go, oh, wait a minute. I have limited time. I have limited energy. I need to make some intentional choices. That’s the beauty of midlife.”
In the book, Benfield shares the story of a therapist with whom she shared several clients.
“She said it’s kind of like if you’re on the monkey bars — you have to let go to move forward. You can’t just hang on. And that’s how I feel about whatever you’re going to call aging well, evolving into what you want to evolve into as you progress into aging, and then prepare for death. Nobody wants to talk about that. It’s not very sexy. But you won’t be able to do it if you’re hanging onto youth, youthful appearance, youthful behaviors. It keeps you stuck. You won’t be able to grow. It stunts you. That might be our entire culture’s problem, actually. We’re stuck in that adolescent place.”
Benfield came up with, and fought for, her book’s title, which means aging the way you want to, without shame. “I feel like there’s so much shame about aging, and I’m trying to push back on it. There is nothing to be ashamed of about living a longer life. My best friend died of breast cancer in our early 50s, and it changed my entire outlook when it comes to aging.” She said it’s a gift and a privilege to have the opportunity to age, and that the book is, in a way, her rebellious middle finger to the unrealistic body ideals that affect not just women, but also men and gender nonconforming folks.
Benfield says her granddaughters and future generations were one of her biggest inspirations for writing the book. “I just want people to know that they can repair the damage done by diet culture, and they can actually provide a legacy of body liberation. I value freedom an awful lot, so I want people to feel free and that they don’t have to be contained.”
Carrie Dennett: CarrieOnNutrition@gmail.com; on X: @CarrieDennett.
CarrieOnNutrition@gmail.com; on Instagram: @CarrieDennett. Dennett, MPH, RDN is a registered dietitian nutritionist at Nutrition By Carrie, and author of “Healthy For Your Life: A non-diet approach to optimal wellbeing.”
Visit her at nutritionbycarrie.com.
“Unapologetic Aging”
Deb Benfield, Sheldon Press, 336 pp., $21.99