Thanks to Gordon G.
· When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
· Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
· I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
· Remember, when you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
· If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and ask, “Did you bring the money?
· Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is now the new midnight.
· I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
· I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
· When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I glance both ways and whisper, “Why, what did you hear?”
· Sometimes, someone unexpectedly comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
· The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
· My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.