We the People must act quickly on an issue that’s absolutely rocking America…
by Parker J. Palmer (thanks to Mary Montgomery)
Mount Rushmore as created by God, Geology and Gutzon Borglum
“Life is a hard battle anyway. If we laugh and sing a little as we fight the good fight of freedom, it makes it all go easier. I will not allow my life’s light to be determined by the darkness around me.” —Sojourner Truth
I. POTUS has made it clear that, in his humble opinion, he deserves to have his image sculpted into South Dakota’s Mount Rushmore, alongside those of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln. He is, after all, the greatest American president ever to bear the cross and wear the crown, a legend in his own mind.
While I’m sure his Mount Rushmore idea will meet with vast public support—or at least half-vast support—there’s a problem, as happens from time to time with POTUS’s Big Ideas. Experts say that adding a fifth head to the unstable rock next to Lincoln might bring the whole thing down.
This will not deter POTUS, of course. His ego is larger than any mountain, including Mount Sinai. But South Dakotans will surely balk at trashing one of their major tourist attractions, since another one—former Governor Kristi Noem—recently trashed herself. Wall Drug Store, thank God, carries on as if time were standing still.
II. But I digress. As a loyal citizen of the U.S., my purpose with this post is to propose two possible ways forward that will will keep Mount Rushmore intact and, more important, keep POTUS happy. As everyone knows, if POTUS ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
My inspiration for all of this began with a photo taken on June 1, 2020, when POTUS staged a photo-op in front of St. John’s Episcopal Church in D.C., right after he used tear gas and flash-bangs to clear peaceful protestors from Lafayette Square.
Flanked by what appear to be poorly crafted cardboard cut-outs of Attorney General William Barr, Secretary of Defense Mark Esper, and Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, POTUS has a Bible in his left hand and the forefinger of his right hand pressed to his lips, the universal sign for “shush.”
Talk about a picture being worth a thousand words! Here’s the Project 2025-MAGA playbook in a nutshell: get a “reality” TV star to play a faux “strong man,” surround him with spineless men and women, keep a Bible handy to invoke divine blessing, and get opponents and the free press to shut up. Toss in “keep the billionaires happy” and you’ve got the whole kielbasa.
June 1, 2020, in Washington, D.C., as POTUS tells his opponents to shut up
III. By now, maybe you can see where I’m going with this. (If so, I hope you’ll get professional help ASAP, lest you follow me around the bend.) Yes, I’m proposing that we start transforming Mount Rushmore as shown below, before POTUS tries to seize or blow up another country because his feelings are hurt. Time is of the essence.
Mount Rushmore as recreated by PJP and ChatGPT
Of course, a few picky readers are now saying, “Wait! Where did Abraham Lincoln go?” Please, people, follow the bouncing ball. Since we can’t carve a fifth head into the rock to the right of Lincoln without risking the whole thing, replacing Lincoln is the only way to go, if the Rushmore Solution is what we decide on.
Plus which, making this move would make POTUS even happier. He’s often said that, given the extraordinary accomplishments of his still-young second term, he’s a better president than Lincoln ever was. I rest my case.
IV. But now I can hear the voices of other picky readers saying, “I’d love to have this abusive father figure glaring at us day and night, threatening punishment for our sins. We’ve never had a president who knew more about sin. But who’s doing quality control on this project? POTUS is holding the Bible upside down!”
People. C’mon. What don’t you understand about symbolism in fine art? Clearly the upside-down Bible is a tribute to the regime for their absolute genius at turning an entire religious tradition on its head, and convincing millions of people that it means exactly the opposite of what it says.
Only a genius could take dozens of Biblical verses about the importance of caring for the stranger and turn them into, “Scoop ‘em up without warrants, shoot ‘em if need be, toss ‘em into for-profit detention camps, and deport ‘em to wherever you want.” Yet that’s the program that MAGA Christians are cheering for. IMHO, they deserve at least one public monument to their monumental mendacity.
V. But here’s the thing. I’m a political realist, so I know how easily a bill to redo Mount Rushmore could get swallowed up in the giant black hole we call Congress, never to be seen again until the Bermuda Triangle coughs up the Epstein files.
So I have an alternative proposal, one that might make everyone happy. Let’s erect a monument in POTUS’s home state of Florida, where things like this happen several times a week (see Dave Barry for details). To avoid confusion with South Dakota’s Mount Rushmore, let’s call the Florida version “Mount Shushmore.”
Mount Shushmore as envisioned by PJP and ChatGPT
There’s only one place in Florida where this monument will get the visibilty it deserves. The highest spot in the state is Britton Hill, which rises to 345 feet above sea level. Amazingly, it has also been called “the lowest high point in the United States”—which sounds like something future historians might say about this presidency.
So how about making a mountain out of this molehill? At very least, it would give us a place to scatter the ashes of what was once the world’s most promising experiment in democracy when MAGA and POTUS get done with burning us to the ground.
VI. With our democracy at risk, I’m not going to make the final decision on this by myself. Instead, I invite you to cast your votes in the comments section below, along with whatever messages you wish to leave behind for posterity. Vote early and vote often! Just be sure to bring proof of existence when you do. And don’t worry, this election is already rigged. Thank you for your attention to this matter!